Write I must

a need to write is perhaps one of my strongest addictions, yet a non frequent one.i can go without writing for months sometimes. and then there are times when I must write..pages and pages of anything. Its the closest i feel to being an artist, perhaps a non-practicing one!

when I see the movie amadeus and how mozart must compose or read about any artist, it reminds me of how strongly i feel about writing. like right now- i have no agenda for this piece and perhaps no stress on the writing style. i have never even been a serious writer- yet there is that ray of hope, the passion for words!

the smallest of my writings make me happy- even when the flaws are apparent and the content boring!

i wanna get better at it, and now i am really going to work on it. enough of just moving on in life!

i wanna do things i love now- be with people i sharea mutually positive relationship with and live a happier life.. anyways i am getting older too- life is finite and even that realisation is scary..of non-existence, unperubed silence!

i wanna read and write lots before i cant do it! i wanna write my biography..maybe get it published! if there's no readership..il just get a few copies printed that r distributed when i am gone..but opnly for the people who truly care, who would like to know me more than they have , & after they have. the few people i love.. I hope there r some people like that after me actually ! In God I trust. i am gonna live like i want to...on my own terms..He will take care of the rest!

whatever..i felt like writing :D

what do you do with people who are like these constant irritants in your life!
like those loud humming bees, one moment de come and destroy your peace of mind, then disappear into nothingness..only to reappear at freewill!!!

and then there are the types who you have never known well, yet due to some distant fuzzy incident in your mind- you kind of understand their basic psyche, that one crux of their motivation! and out of the corner of your eye, you cant help notice them - they are out there, shamelessly doing the things that appear good- but you can so see through, that its godamm weird why no one else sees it!

but you know who are the cruelest types- the ones who you are fond of! they know it fully well and they also know that they can have their way, and you will choose to forgive or forget it!
these are the people who are most detestable, yet ironically they are the most loved!!we love them, even when we are fully aware of the power they exude!! and how, in singularity we hate being overpowered..
so unfair, how positive emotions allow us to be swayed, to giveup our egos AND be good humans actually :D


that sounds like a good thing, and it must be- because we choose to love a lot of people in our lives- unconditionally and with the baggage. Because it doesnt hold us down- it helps us fly..

its all very beautiful here and now!

this is a picture i clicked with my mobile camera(a modest 1.3 pixel) sometime in the summer of 2006. It was the day after I got a 'dream' job ( no wonder i never took it up ) and I was in college. its about 6 in the evening i think.
I was very happy and nature definitely helped....awesome weather, cool breeze and everything else! it was truly blissful..just as it seems

And...

oh! there's this question( ..more of a thought actually) that has been on my mind. and i would very much like to share it with you..so that your brains go numb thinking..just like mine ..

its like my version of the holtly debated capitalism( freedom) vs socialism( social interference) that we play in our lives..

we all love our space..dont we? I mean do exactly what we want and when we want! have other people only surfacing in our lives.. No close relationships, no bonding, total freedom! its got this kinda happiness it gives me to be like that sometimes.. not always, but you know, i have those days when i am just me! and i love them more than all the others.

but then, men/women are social animals and there is this another kind of happiness that being with people we love/like gives us..a stability, a constantness in all the storm. We feel safe, taken care of..and its happiness too..a different more subtle one, but happiness it is!

But the problem is, the two dont coexist..if you want your freedom sometimes, most probably you will turn off the chances of close social relations much like capitalism made the US economy go right down before there was a SOCIAList rescue...
and if you are on the social side, you are taken care of and sort of happy always..but never truly free and happy..

I, for one, cant choose either- i love freedom but im human ( read "bonded"). and i find myself bordering on the edges of both....
I cant decide!!!
I know what you are thinking----- a balance..i know that sounds like the panacea...but iv always been an extremist, i dont like taking the middle path..it somehow never is the wilder and tougher path. Besides, why waste your time one way when you like the other better...
And decisions like these are consequential- they shape our person, our lives, us!

So which side are you on? Figured it out yet??

Indian Cities- will we ever see a change for the better?

gurgaon is the city i love to hate!
i mean, the infrastructure is bad, conveyance is a pain ( going to delhi is a nightmare..) and its practically a concrete jungle- the only hangout places for some timeout being malls- and with their excessive rush, dats not really relaxing! fun- yes but definitely not relaxing! and if dats not enough- statistics show its really unsafe, especially for women!

and yet, after chandigarh, my hometown- which is the bestest place in the world- in terms of beauty, planning, infrastructure, and just about everything else- the only other city i can think of settling in is gurgaon!
its not hard to guess if thats a merit of gurgaon or its comparability with every other major city in india that has employment opportunities for the educated youth.
its about choosing which are the lesser evils in your perspective and rank-ordering based on your subjective priorities.

growth story or no growth story, can we Indians atlsest demand a better standard of living today! will things ever change? will our country's infrastructure ever be close to appropriate or is it a binary option for our cities- be underdeveloped or repeat the infamous bangalore disaster!

inflation may be soaring. .financial markets are down and out and retail is still an untapped opportunity! but hey, i think we have progressed far out in the last 60 years, to have some concrete policy decisions for decent cities! what really will it take? rather, will anything work or is it going to be a total demise of urban india through slow muder!

Ha!Ha! There i go again

Ah! life is so far out ahead of us when it comes to plotting an intricate complexity! with all due to respect to the world's best artists... they are, at best, copies of billions of masterpieces life creates everyday..for every individual- old and young, every relationship- fostered or forced, every situation- planned or co-incidental!

And yet, its got these patterns- across and within people's lives..one can learn from life, as long as his tendency to unlearn doesnt perish. it causes in us these unexplainable streams of thoughts- emotions that are intense, satiating, passionate sometimes and subtle and almost unconscious at other times.

For me, one of the most perplexing puzzle in life has been the sheer trouble that everyone goes to complicate their lives, and i plead guilty too! There is no limit to our ambitions and desires, there is barely any candidness in our relations- even the closest ones and then there is this perpetual unsatiated desire for change- to be someone else, something else- maybe richer, smarter, younger, beautiful, popular..no matter what it is..but there is something. yes, its aspirational, and thats great because one needs something to drive us! kudos! keep that up people! but, why the anxiety, the frustration, the hurry to get there all the time, always.. to a point of insanity and perputal wanting!why no happiness for what you have today.. that which is also something you had always wanted.

if you ask me, we humans muat loosen up a bit...never give up! no,u mustnt! but please please please try and be happy! why is their an alarming statistical growth in depressions and suicides, when technically the world's always becoming a better place!

THINK ABOUT IT! and dont forget to be happy..........trust me its better than everything!
Dont believe me? Look at how u feel to see your loved ones happy!!
life's good :)

why life is so dynamic: an attempt at explanation

Life is dynamic in every sense of the word,and perhaps even thats an understatement. Its actually quite a typhoon whirling across us from pole to pole. Stability and tranquility are things that dreams are made of-- inevitably each one of us is facing the song today wistfully for that utopia thats always a little bit farther.

Ever wondered why? the optimist would perhaps say thats what keeps us going. the realist says uncertainty is the will of the world- accept it or perish. and the pessimist as usual will complain about its unfairness.

my theory is that its because each one of us is trying to constantly achieve the impossible-- happiness forever!

irrespective of what the state means to each one of us, it just doesnt stay. its fragile , nah! i think its an illusion. Coz even while ur happiness lasts, the paranoia of it ending plagues u and then it ends, only to leave u wanting!

I think i wanna change what happiness means to me, perhaps the bestest possible state of my existence would be when i stop feeling happiness- stop wanting it, stop feeling it and stop sensing it.

i want to be numb to emotion..if iv been born, il just do what i am to do here in my stipulated preset lifetime and go.. why do i have be tortured, torn apart , shredded threadbare emotionally.

its nonsensical. and to ask for anything better is purely aspirational motivation.
free me of this burden-- of seeking , of wanting....
let me be anyone or noone but not human!!

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.....

The aptness of the above words is far beyond what we may be willing to acknowledge. Most parts of our lives are spent in working towards the fulfillment of our desires and objectives, and once we are there, we barely have time to enjoy the glory and splendor of success. It seems to be the most feasible option and becomes petty and outvoted in comparison to the other standing issues. So, we move on, chasing another dream with zeal and exuberance. The happiness of the recent success is blurred and undermined by the apparent urgency of the next.

Do we ever try and figure out the purpose of such insensitivity. Indeed, no. And that’s because it appears to be the most obvious way of life. The human psyche is beyond any comprehension and our actions and inactions are, in most cases unexplainable on the basis of logic. We may vary the reasons for such attitude from competition and shrewdness to necessity and common sense, but the fact remains as bare as always –we humans are impatient to the extent of insanity.

Indeed we have excelled as a race and surpassed any standards set in the unending chase for one success of another. But what makes a difference at the end of the day is happiness of the soul. Neil Armstrong’s setting foot on the moon glorified millions of hearts and here I have a question to ask. Had he collected the same scientific information but not been thoughtful enough to speak those famous words signifying success and triumph,

‘One step for man, a giant leap for mankind.’

Would all the hearts leap with the same joy still? To most people it was the grandeur of the moment which elevated their souls. And yet, when these same people get to their destinations, they seldom halt long enough to discover the beauty of success.

Some people may call this ‘never say die’ spirit hard work, but I choose to differ. After all, if the sole aim of happiness is forgotten are we not deviating from our own chosen path. Isn’t a smile on a loved one’s face the most beautiful sight in the world, that is, if we ever stop to discover it .

And like they say, poetry is better than prose, I think the following words by William Winter shall be able to get the point across a lot more easily and vividly,

Ambition has but one reward for all,

A little power; a little transient fame;

A grave to rest in; and a fading name.

So live it up. I suggest, live it up, down, left, right and center. Cherish and treasure your dreams and turn them into realities, but try and capture the beauty of these moments of success forever as well, before you dart off to face the harsh, ruthless world once again in the long tussle for the next conquest. Make life synonymous with happiness an pleasure.

Live while you live, the epicure would say,

And seize the pleasures of the present day.

Confused: Branding vs Working!!

what do you do when your academics make no bloody sense to you in any way. i mean, i cant help marvel at the irony of my education, not even at post graduation level.its in all probability my terminal degree, and here i am, as confused as evr about what i am doing, why i am doing it and even how am i really doing it..

ohkay, just in case you happen to be a potential employer who was willing to pay me real good money-WAIT!..please dont change your mind!

for one, i faff decently and yes i actually could be a possible asset for your firm considering my well proven ability to do decently well at things i actually have no clue about! plus from experience i can assure you that most of my peers who you would consider worthy of the job are infact as confused as me! only, i am perhaps way too honest, far too unabashedly accepting the facts- to a great disadvantage!

as i have been told numerous times, the basic fundamental of MBA is to 'market' yourself and add 'brand value'- i am perhaps a case of PR gone wrong for brand Me!

but thats not amusing-thats my harsh reality!
if i dont see a point, i just dont! i am a hesitant liar, though i kinda make up for it by working with full commitment at things i dont give a damn about!

so wat say, Mr Hotshot from the Superlative firm...ready to see a case of 'Operational Efficiency ' outdo ' Brand Building'!!!

Borrowed Dreams ??? !!!!!!

this has been on my mind for a while now..so here goes..

my life seems so similar to all my peers almost all of the times that i cant help but wonder if i have an individual and independent brain. my life- at both macro and micro level is so so so typically that of a B-school student and my aspirations are an exact match to everyone's around me.

it makes me question if i really want what i am trying so hard to get?? infact how many of us in this herd really know what our dreams really are- are we really getting to what we are destined for?? or are we blinded by the obviousness, the correctness of our present choices to look beyond and make OUR choices??

maybe its not me- maybe its human psychology. we just dont question. whether its the evaluation procedure at the college or its our dreams, its only a matter of precedence and the number of hits and misses of my worthy predecessors- the only hope is that the first ones to tread this path, who had no precedence to fall back on..made the right decisions and choices..

but hell! isnt life supposed to be dynamic? dont things change with time and as the people change??? maybe i will fail in achieving even this borrowed dream- and blame it on my inability! but its more likely that my failure is due to a lack of passion--maybe its because inherently its not my calling!

you know, sometimes this 'bare all' honest talk scares me- i mean, its like- maybe the veil of pretense is easier to handle than the nudity of truth.. yes , i think its easier.

but what when the illusion will lift? what if its too late to restart? yes i know how its never too late, but my wisdom and experience at 21 tells me that thats a white lie .. maybe im too conservative and traditionalist in thought and action or if you wanna put it plainly- im possibly a coward, an escapist but yes i already regret some decisions its too late to change now- like engineering, like stopping basketball practice for that silly little swelling in my palm, like reading too little, like spending less time with my grandmum....

many of these are trivial and some of them have fundamentally shaped my present ( which is a fairly okayish state ), but nevertheless i regret them and i think i always will.

so what now? do i suddenly rethink my life and kinda revamp it? take a few path breaking decisions which make wonderful anecdotes once im famous?

nah!! i wont..i wont do any of that. the sad fact of my life is- i will proceed just as everyone around me does. and thats because life's complex and we, atleast i , dont get to always make my own choices without approval from the most important people in my life. plus there are other constraints.. like where do you start, how do you compete, how do you leave the safe haven and tread into spaces unknown when you only got limited time at hand- and then you gotto be settled and all..

i know, you possibly hate me by now- either for the first faffy thought or for this sudden downturn to mother earth and silly reality..

now if you belong to the former group- im sorry, but you can stop reading, really! i am a fantasizer and i got every right to be one :)

but just in case you belong to the latter group, just one piece of sincere advice for you dear friend..

the past may have been perfect or maybe it was a mistake, but its past now..and now the future beckons you -- reach out and make it your own wonderland..


LIFE DOESNT GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE ! IT JUST NEVER DOES!!
SO THINK HARD AND ATLEAST NOW ON-- PLEASE LIVE YOUR OWN DREAMS..

God bless..

DREAM ON........

ashes to roses...

things can get extremely funny around here.life's ridiculism personified.

in my 20 years of life, i dont think i ever got a chance to look so closely at the complexity in relationships as i have seen in the last one year.it makes me feel older suddenly, more mature and definitely a lot more understanding of other's miseries. but the feeling that it has most strongly developed in me is revulsion.an extreme dislike for everything that could mean a human bonding, because inevitably it breaks- sooner or if you are even more unlucky-later.

i am reading thornbirds by colleen mccullough and it invariably reminds me of the color she uses as a metaphor-ashes to roses. thats the perfect description may be-subtle and yet cruelly vivid, symbolisisng the inevitiabilty of the end- that always will be!

god! please help-i think i am turning into a sadist slowly..not because thats how i have ever been, but because hurt looks like the only sustainable state..everything else will eventually melt into it..ashes to roses.

MBA-Masters in Barely Anything!!!

hello
so i am in my third trimester of MBA now..for your reference and to highlight the contrast, the previous entry is one i made a few months ago- though it feels like another age now! because i haven't experience half of that enthusiasm for a long time now..
okay, its not like dis course is boring or that i am not busy- as a matter of fact i do stay preoccupied and all and there is studying to do PLUS we have a fun time here as icing on the cake. But when you really dwell on the taste, there is just one thing missing- and thats learning, the subtle but nevertheless most important bit :)
6 months into the course, and i have learnt some much valued jargon and little bits of concepts and all, but barring that i stand where i did before this rigorous process of doing nothing started.
so its funny what education really seeks to achieve- i love the idea of being a student vis-a-vis working, but sometimes the sheer nothingness of it depresses me, saps me of all enthusiasm..
its just gotto get better hereon- coz i think iv hit the bottommost point now:)
all d best to all those lookin 4 any learning in education- my advice is just get the grades, so tha atleast ul be happy with your jobs hopefully..
GOD BLESS

life is skewed really- its a blend of rationale and emotion thats impossible to decipher and at the same time inseparable. when one takes a practical decision, the ghosts of emotional wrongdoings haunt. and the few times we do dare to stick to our emotional choices, life beats us up. there is no respite and the ruthlessness ensures that the tradeoffs made in achieving a success undermine the joy of accomplishment.
so do i sound aggressively pessimistic here?
if your answer is yes,hold on, you are most likely someone who's over read fairy tales while those around you slogged and washed all the dirty linen.
its like while you are standing at the top of mount everest, your mind is on the floods in the ganges planes-not affecting you directly, but killing you for the worry of your people there..
now i donno if that got the point across, but i think you will know what i mean from personal experience...
its like life is neva perfect-deres always some front ur fighting
but cheers to the human spirit 4 bearin it all so graciously and happily
:)